today i woke up early...knew sumthin was up..had this feeling..felt scared...but dunno y..then it hit me..today is the day i get to see my dad for the last time..last time? meaning never again...im never goin to see my dad again...im hurt..deeply sad...im frustrated,mad, sad, angry...all these emotions n feelings inside me...dont know where to start...so i get ready around 9 am have to be there at 11 at the funeral home...mom n sis are running around trying to get ready..in the meantime im relaxed for now...1hr later..i walk in the funeral home...slowly i peek inside the room where my dad is...im scared to go in...i owe this man everything..i go up to him...he looks like he sleeping...to me he is sleeping..to me he isnt dead ...im in great denial...people tell me hats hes not suffering no more...i ignore them...brush it off...i stand there touching his face, hands...me n my dad have the same hands...fingers...me n him are alike...we like to joke alot..he had a great sense of humor...good man...always smiling...very down to earth...just enjoying life..it saddens me because it wasnt his time to come...y did god take him away from me...till now i cant believe he is gone...FUCK....cmon dad wake up...ur goin to beat this cancer..and ur goin to win...poor guy..he didnt deserve this...this horrible disease..ive seen what he went thru...the changes in his life...his appearence...the day his hair started to fall off was the day that i was like damn..my dad...y did this have to happen to u ....i fuckin hate cancer....i remeber the day i had to call the ambulance for my dad he had passed out..he was very weak..couldnt walk no more...just laying there...i started to cry .i didnt know what was goin on...didnt know if he was leavin me just yet...he struggled for two weeks..while at the hospital....sigh...my dad couldnt eat no more...he was just in pain...the man couldnt eat...wtf..all we could give him was small ice chips...fuckin ice chips are we for real...my dad busted his ass to give us a good life and all we can give him in return was ice chips...........do u know how deeply fucked up in the head i was....damn....dad...im speechless...back to the funeral home...i have to say im very glad that my friends came out to support me...it touched me...people from school...x's...friends from work...i was just amazed...how many showed up...and if they didnt they sent flowers...i thank u all..the phone calls and texts were nuthin but support too...sorry if i didnt respond right away...It was time...time to say my last good bye b4 they closed the casket...i said my good byes, my apologies for my past..and i said my i love yous....i didnt wana promise him anything because i didnt want to dissapoint him...but i know one thing is that im goin to finish school and even though dad u will not be there physically u will be there in spirit....but i really wanted u there physically wanted to take pics with u ... as we put him in the hurst...it hurt me...seeing him just layin there...off to church we went..mass was very nice...very well prepared...from mass to the cemetary...thats when i realized damn...from here he goes down under...i get to the cemetary and there i see where he is goin to get buried...i never thought id bury my own dad...for sum reason i always thought id go b4 him...but no...i sit there and just look at his casket in such anger...dissapointed...the pastor said what he had to say...and from there my anger turned into sadness...everyone had flowers in there hands...placing them on the casket...i waited last to place mine...and they lowered him down...tears started pouring..i held it in...but when i had to be the first to pick up a shovel...and throw dirt on my dads casket thats when it hit me...i couldnt hold it in..i strted to cry .... i couldnt take it anymore...i let it out...we were all crying...mom , sis, me , family...sigh...dad we love u and u know that..we were there for u till the very last end..til that last breath u took...Pa te amo siempre...y gracias por todo...god bless u and may u not suffer any more....love jr....
